monarchy – The Objective Observer

Since King Biden ascended to the throne last month, something has been bothering us here at The Objective Observer. King’s are great and all but something was missing. Finally, we figured out what was wrong, a true and proper king needs a true and proper queen! What we needed was more royalty in our pantheon of American monarchy. Thus, we decided to anoint a queen.

Our first decision was to determine the characteristics of our ideal queen. Well, we debated this for quite some time and finally decided that our queen archetype was stylish, radiant and ambitious with a royal air of haughtiness that is dismissive of the plebian concerns of commoners. With this matter settled, it is now time to review our our options.

Of course, the most logical choice is Dr. Jill Jacobs-Biden. After all, King Biden is married to her. That would seem to make her a shoe in. But dull, mousy Dr. Jill Jacobs-Biden who’s doctoral thesis makes the Constitution look like a grammatical work of art? No, our queen needs to at least be able to do basic math, like understanding that there cannot be five quarters of something or “eight week study weeks”. Is that like recursion? How exactly does one fit eight weeks into a week? If this is what passes for getting a doctoral degree then, collectively, we here at The Objective Observer ought to have a cool dozen by now. Seriously, we have blog articles like The Case for Colonizing Mars that are more cited. Besides, while queens need to be haughty and pretentious, calling the needs of students “undeserved”? Come on man, that’s just down right cold hearted and mean. Ambitious? A teacher at a community college that didn’t get her PhD until her mid-50’s? Nothing against teachers, but that’s not really striking us as “ambitious”. Sorry, we’re going to have to go with dumb, heartless mistress on this one.

The next most logical choice is Kamala Harris. Stylish and radiant? Sure we guess, we rate that as plausible. Ambitious? Certainly, first “black” Vice President (there’s some South Asian in there), first female Vice President. Check. Royal air of haughtiness? Oh yes, there’s definitely some of that going on. Plus Queen Kamala has a nice ring to it. It’s just…it’s just…landmines. Really? Landmines? Every time she opens her mouth she just sounds foolish. And everyone knows that VP’s don’t really do anything, they are just around for entertainment. Hmm…foolish…entertainment. There we go. Our final verdict, court jester.

Next up is Nancy Pelosi. Hmm…mean, bitter, frog mouthed old hag vainly obsessed with a youthful appearance. Umm, that’s a solid no. More like an evil Morgan le Fay.

We now move on to John Kerry. Hey, we’re just following King Biden‘s edict that bans discrimination against biological sex. Queens can be male, female or, well, queens. We certainly do not care. It’s a brave new world. Kerry is definitely ambitious. Willing to throw the entire ~~United~~ States military under the bus purely for political gain? There’s ambition for you! Plus, Kerry definitely has that royal air of haughtiness. “Let them make solar panels.” That’s straight up channeling Marie Antionette! “Private planes are the only choice for someone like me.” Whoa, slow your roll there Kerry, we’re going for “royal air of haughtiness”, not pompous ass. And, again, Queen Kerry, that’s alliterative and kind of funny. But stylish and radiant? Decidedly not. The dude perpetually looks clinically depressed. After all, we can’t have a queen with resting bitch face. Thus, we christen John Kerry a knight. A knight battling the great evil dragon of climate change. Like brave Sir Robin from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Brave, brave Sir Kerry! Until threatened and then brave Sir Kerry bravely runs away. Runs, runs away in his little Swift boat.

Thus we finally come to Jen Psaki. Stylish and radiant? OK, let’s be honest, that’s clearly a stretch. We won’t wait to circle back to you on this, she’s a bit drab. OK, fine, just straight-up drab. Decidedly more sparrow than peacock if you will. But, eh, F’ it…close enough. White House Deputy Press Secretary by age 31, Spokesperson for the United States Department of State at 35, White House Communications Director at 37 and White House Press Secretary at 43. Yeah, we’re definitely feeling the ambition vibe here. And an air of royal haughtiness that is dismissive of the plebian concerns of commoners? Oh man does she have that in spades! In spades!!

First we have her snarky dismissiveness of Space Force. Classic. Then she mocks the thousands (and yes it’s thousands) of dumb peasants who lost their current jobs and job opportunities when King Biden summarily dismissed the Keystone pipeline. Let them make solar panels, or remove landmines or something, who cares? It’s not my job! Menial concerns over simple assault and DUI of illegal immigrants? Pshaw! And as a coup de grâce, mocking the deplorable serfs worried about King Biden’s reinstituted catch and release program releasing illegal immigrants infected with COVID-19 into their communities. Ah, concerns over the health of the common folk. How droll. Bingo! We have a winner!

So, Queen Psaki it is. Does she give us nightmares of waking up out of a dead sleep to a soulless ginger standing over us with a knife? Yes…yes, she does. Truly, truly terrifying. But queen nonetheless.

Turns out, what occurred on January 20^th, 2021 was not the inauguration of a President of the ~~United~~ States. No, we’re not saying that Joe Biden was not legitimately elected or any other such nonsense. What we are saying is that it turns out, to any objective observer, what occurred on January 20^th, 2021 was more of a coronation, not an inauguration, for the man we seem to have in the White House acts more like a king than a President. In fact, what we are currently witnessing in Washington D.C. is nothing less than an unprecedented usurpation of power on a scale once thought unthinkable. If you doubt this, read on.

Let’s look at the number of executive orders signed by the past 5 Presidents as well as their average per year:

Donald Trump – 220 total, 55/year
Barak Obama – 276 total, 34.6/year
George W. Bush – 291 total, 36.4/year
Bill Clinton – 364 total, 45.5/year
George H. W. Bush – 166 total, 41.5/year

The most executive orders signed by any President is actually Franklin D. Roosevelt with a whopping 3,728 total executive orders, averaging 307.8/year. But even those lofty figures are absolutely dwarfed by what is currently going on in Washington D.C. today. The current administration has signed 40 executive orders in roughly a week. This is an unprecedented pace that, if continued, would result in well over 8,000 executive orders in 4 years or a mind boggling 2,000/year, absolutely obliterating FDR’s “record”. Think about that, the current administration is signing executive orders over 6 times faster than any other President of the ~~United~~ States…ever. This means that Biden is on track after four years to have signed over a third of all executive orders in the entire history of America. The entire history.

While executive orders are supported by the Constitution, they were originally intended to facilitate the operations of the federal government. The first 15 Presidents of the ~~United~~ States only signed a grand total of 143 executive orders, or an average of about 10 per President. These executive orders were used for rather mundane operational things like lowering flags to half-staff to mourn the death of a former President. Heck, up until the early 1900’s, executive orders were actually largely unannounced, undocumented and only seen by the specific agencies impacted.

The nature of executive orders changed when Franklin D. Roosevelt, a Democrat, issued executive orders such as Executive Order 6102 “forbidding the hoarding of gold coin, gold bullion, and gold certificates within the continental United States”, and Executive Order 9066, which sent Japanese Americans to internment camps. Yeah, FDR, he was greeeeeeat… Under FDR’s immense wisdom, executive orders became federal mandates that were, in effect, laws or rules that must be followed until such time that they were canceled, revoked, adjudicated unlawful, or expired. In the ~~United~~ States, laws are supposed to be made by the legislative branch. However, starting with President Roosevelt, the intended purpose of executive orders was warped to, in effect, create law. These are the types of executive orders being signed today under the current administration.

Americans used to be against this sort of thing. In fact, “taxation without representation” was a rallying cry for the American Revolution. The issue was that King George III of England levied taxes on the American colonies but the American colonists had no representation in Parliament. Thus, the American colonists considered this unfair. To any objective observer, the insane overreach in the tidal wave of executive orders currently being signed strikes a similar tone. One might call them “rules without representation”. Rules; laws, are being made while ignoring the proper vehicle by which such rules and laws should be made via the people’s representatives, Congress.

This is not democracy, this is a single individual exerting their own personal will, by force, upon an entire population. We Americans typically call such a thing a dictatorship, or dare we say, monarchy. Thus, we here at The Objective Observer would like to prostrate ourselves in subservience before our oh so divine and benevolent ruler, officially recognizing, anointing and crowning Joe Biden, King Biden, the new King George III.

All hail King Biden.