Since King Biden ascended to the throne last month, something has been bothering us here at The Objective Observer. King’s are great and all but something was missing. Finally, we figured out what was wrong, a true and proper king needs a true and proper queen! What we needed was more royalty in our pantheon of American monarchy. Thus, we decided to anoint a queen.
Our first decision was to determine the characteristics of our ideal queen. Well, we debated this for quite some time and finally decided that our queen archetype was stylish, radiant and ambitious with a royal air of haughtiness that is dismissive of the plebian concerns of commoners. With this matter settled, it is now time to review our our options.
Of course, the most logical choice is Dr. Jill Jacobs-Biden. After all, King Biden is married to her. That would seem to make her a shoe in. But dull, mousy Dr. Jill Jacobs-Biden who’s doctoral thesis makes the Constitution look like a grammatical work of art? No, our queen needs to at least be able to do basic math, like understanding that there cannot be five quarters of something or “eight week study weeks”. Is that like recursion? How exactly does one fit eight weeks into a week? If this is what passes for getting a doctoral degree then, collectively, we here at The Objective Observer ought to have a cool dozen by now. Seriously, we have blog articles like The Case for Colonizing Mars that are more cited. Besides, while queens need to be haughty and pretentious, calling the needs of students “undeserved”? Come on man, that’s just down right cold hearted and mean. Ambitious? A teacher at a community college that didn’t get her PhD until her mid-50’s? Nothing against teachers, but that’s not really striking us as “ambitious”. Sorry, we’re going to have to go with dumb, heartless mistress on this one.
The next most logical choice is Kamala Harris. Stylish and radiant? Sure we guess, we rate that as plausible. Ambitious? Certainly, first “black” Vice President (there’s some South Asian in there), first female Vice President. Check. Royal air of haughtiness? Oh yes, there’s definitely some of that going on. Plus Queen Kamala has a nice ring to it. It’s just…it’s just…landmines. Really? Landmines? Every time she opens her mouth she just sounds foolish. And everyone knows that VP’s don’t really do anything, they are just around for entertainment. Hmm…foolish…entertainment. There we go. Our final verdict, court jester.
Next up is Nancy Pelosi. Hmm…mean, bitter, frog mouthed old hag vainly obsessed with a youthful appearance. Umm, that’s a solid no. More like an evil Morgan le Fay.
We now move on to John Kerry. Hey, we’re just following King Biden‘s edict that bans discrimination against biological sex. Queens can be male, female or, well, queens. We certainly do not care. It’s a brave new world. Kerry is definitely ambitious. Willing to throw the entire
United States military under the bus purely for political gain? There’s ambition for you! Plus, Kerry definitely has that royal air of haughtiness. “Let them make solar panels.” That’s straight up channeling Marie Antionette! “Private planes are the only choice for someone like me.” Whoa, slow your roll there Kerry, we’re going for “royal air of haughtiness”, not pompous ass. And, again, Queen Kerry, that’s alliterative and kind of funny. But stylish and radiant? Decidedly not. The dude perpetually looks clinically depressed. After all, we can’t have a queen with resting bitch face. Thus, we christen John Kerry a knight. A knight battling the great evil dragon of climate change. Like brave Sir Robin from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Brave, brave Sir Kerry! Until threatened and then brave Sir Kerry bravely runs away. Runs, runs away in his little Swift boat.
Thus we finally come to Jen Psaki. Stylish and radiant? OK, let’s be honest, that’s clearly a stretch. We won’t wait to circle back to you on this, she’s a bit drab. OK, fine, just straight-up drab. Decidedly more sparrow than peacock if you will. But, eh, F’ it…close enough. White House Deputy Press Secretary by age 31, Spokesperson for the United States Department of State at 35, White House Communications Director at 37 and White House Press Secretary at 43. Yeah, we’re definitely feeling the ambition vibe here. And an air of royal haughtiness that is dismissive of the plebian concerns of commoners? Oh man does she have that in spades! In spades!!
First we have her snarky dismissiveness of Space Force. Classic. Then she mocks the thousands (and yes it’s thousands) of dumb peasants who lost their current jobs and job opportunities when King Biden summarily dismissed the Keystone pipeline. Let them make solar panels, or remove landmines or something, who cares? It’s not my job! Menial concerns over simple assault and DUI of illegal immigrants? Pshaw! And as a coup de grâce, mocking the deplorable serfs worried about King Biden’s reinstituted catch and release program releasing illegal immigrants infected with COVID-19 into their communities. Ah, concerns over the health of the common folk. How droll. Bingo! We have a winner!
So, Queen Psaki it is. Does she give us nightmares of waking up out of a dead sleep to a soulless ginger standing over us with a knife? Yes…yes, she does. Truly, truly terrifying. But queen nonetheless.