Psaki Simps

The Greatest Love Story Never Told

Today is Valentine’s Day so we here at The Objective Observer thought that we would take a break from overly political or technical articles and instead celebrate love, true love. And not just true love, but the greatest love story of all time. But achieving this end would be no small feat. Should we write about true life love stories only? Fictional love stories? Should we write about only existing love stories documented by others or a true love story that has never been told? If we sought a true life, epic love story that had never been told, how could we possibly hope to compete with stories the likes of Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman in a book literally titled The Greatest Love Story Ever Told? Not to mention such epic, timeless love stories as Romeo and Juliet, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, Gone with the Wind, The Time Traveler’s Wife, The Notebook, Doctor Zhivago, Titanic, The Princess Bride, Star Wars, Fifty Shades of Grey and, of course, Twilight

Sorry…sorry…excuse us. Sorry, sometimes our own jokes make us collectively throw up in our mouths a little bit. We’re good. We’re good now, we’re back. Twilight…hurl.

In any case, we clearly had our work cut out for us. But after weeks upon weeks of racking our brains, we finally, finally, hit upon the greatest, true, real life, untold love story of all time. It was so obvious, a love more boundless than the the borders of the United States, more powerful than a monarch, more plentiful than carbon dioxide molecules in the atmosphere, more nuanced than gender identity, more equitable than a $15 per hour minimum wage, more dramatic than erasing women, more urgent than COVID-19 vaccination, more hyperbolic than hatred for Trump, more bountiful than dark money and more certain than science. Of course, of course, we are talking about the media’s love affair with Queen Psaki.

Let’s be honest, the media’s love affair with Queen Psaki has all the elements of any truly great, epic literary romance:

  • Love at first sight – Clearly, the media was enamored with Queen Psaki from her very first press conference.
  • Being saved/rescued – Like when the media came to Queen Psaki‘s defense over wearing a hat emblazoned with the emblem of a hammer and sickle
  • Turmoil and conflict – Like the media struggling with and ultimately abandoning all sense of journalistic integrity and objectivity
  • Significant differences – Like the media being on the side of uncovering the truth while Queen Psaki obscures it
  • Relationship transcends life and death – Such as the media and Queen Psaki transcending a pandemic
  • Love triangles – Alternate love interests for both, the media’s other potential love, truth and Queen Psaki‘s, her husband
  • The members in the relationship engage in societal rituals of fun and romance – Press conferences
  • The romance requires sacrifice – The media has sacrificed so, so much
  • The romance and relationship is denied – For obviously this is forbidden love

The media’s love affair with Queen Psaki is all the more remarkable given the outright hostility of the media to previous White House Press Secretaries such as Sean SpicerSarah Huckabee Sanders, and Kayleigh McEnany. We are so overjoyed, in particular, for the media in finding their true and forever love. After having been rejected by so many in the past we feared that they had become too bitter and angry to ever again attempt to court and find unconditional love.

Thus, we here at The Objective Observer on this Valentine’s Day are inspired, filled with optimism and feel privileged to witness this epic, illicit love affair between the media and Queen Psaki. A truly remarkable romantic tale that should uplift all Americans during this long dark winter. On this Valentine’s Day, make time to appreciate this love that transcends time and space and will live forever as an inspiration to all true lovers whose cruel circumstance harshly and unjustly keeps them apart, keeps them from expressing their true, innocent and pure love for one another…

Sorry…sorry…>hork<…just a…>hork<…just a little bit more…vomit. >gulp< It burns…it burns!

Author: theobjectiveobserverblog

Always go with funny...

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