Solar Change Deniers

President Trump recently came out and announced the United States’ exit from the Paris Accords. In doing so, Trump claimed that the trivial, immediate concerns of jobs, economics and fairness to the United States were more important than vague, unspecific, purported, future harms to the environment from climate change. Climate change advocates were quick to denounce this point of view, arguing that a 0.2 degree Celsius reduction in global temperatures after 100 years is far, far more important. I must go on record and agree 100% with the climate change advocates. Obviously, putting trivial, immediate concerns ahead of vague, unspecific, purported, future harms is stupid, pigheaded and wrong. However, I must also go on record as saying that climate change advocates are also stupid, pigheaded and wrong for their continued support of the trivial, immediate concern of climate change. Let me explain.

You see, climate change advocates are concerned about the potential effects on humans from climate change such as rising water levels, increased violent weather and other matters that make life on Earth more difficult for humans. However, what they are missing is the very real threat of life on Earth being completely extinguished and the Earth itself ceasing to exist. These are the very real concerns of Solar Change. You see, billions of years from now the Sun will begin to change. As the Sun’s reserves of hydrogen become depleted, the Sun will change into what is known as a red giant star. The Sun will cool, becoming more reddish and expand, eventually consuming the Earth before collapsing into a white dwarf star. When this happens, all life on Earth ceases to exist. Anyone that does not believe this is simply a Solar Change denier, a science denier and a complete and utter idiot of the highest magnitude for the science behind Solar Change is absolute. It will happen.

Obviously then, through the same logic as climate change advocates (which kind of makes it sound like they want climate change…) what we need to do is to forget about trivial, immediate concerns like climate change and instead invest hundreds of trillions of dollars into preventing or delaying Solar Change. A 0.02% reduction in solar emissions means that the Sun will continue to burn for an additional 100 million years. That’s 100 million more years of life on Earth or 4 million more generations of humans, albeit each generation having to endure a bit more asthma in the summer. Who can argue with 100 million more years of life on Earth? Only pathetic, stupidly uninformed, moronic Solar Change deniers that’s who. Ptuhh! I spit on such filth. Besides, we simultaneously solve climate change, reduced solar emissions means a cooler Earther.

In order to achieve this lofty goal of a 0.02% reduction in solar emissions, what we need to do is focus on crafting a global agreement or accord on Solar Change. Such an agreement would naturally be voluntary and have no teeth, but would dictate in an extremely unspecific way that we must make technology investments into slowing Solar Change. Since third-world countries have so little Solar Change technology this will necessarily mean a huge transfer of wealth from prosperous nations like the United States. In addition, since China has a long history of Solar Change denial, or for whatever random reason we might invent, they would be exempt from such technology investments for a few million years or so.

Since the true fate of humans and the world is involved here, we must immediately end all unnecessary investments in frivolous pursuits such as green energy. What do a few degrees matter in the face of staving off the apocalypse? Also, since such an endeavor will require huge amounts of time and energy, we must divert all resources from trivial industries like movies, songs and entertainment, which do nothing but consume energy and resources without contributing at all to Solar Change technologies.

In conclusion, climate change advocates are absolutely correct that we must focus on vague, unspecific, purported, future harms at the expense of trivial, immediate concerns of jobs, economics and fairness. Unfortunately, they have also exposed themselves as Solar Change deniers, the worst possible villains in all of villainy. These Solar Change deniers must be denounced and stopped before their ignorance and abject evilness dooms us all.