Al Gore is playing pocket pool with gas and oil prices. I’m not just using that metaphor solely for its shock value and gross factor…well, ok, I admit it, that is exactly why I am using that particular metaphor. Sorry, it is something about Al Gore playing pocket pool that I just find absolutely hysterical and squeamishly offensive at the same time. Probably because the poor guy is actually forced to do so; I mean, have you seen the fat bastard lately? I doubt his wife is giving him any, that’s all I’m saying.
But, it’s not just solely about shock and, well, disgusting grossness, it is also to make sure you still remember the difference between a metaphor and an analogy. Don’t remember? That’s OK, go look it up on the Internet, I’ll wait. Ho dee hum, hum, hum, hummmmmm. OK, you’re back? Great. So what I am saying is that Al Gore is manipulating, I know, eww, gross!, but I am talking about gas prices now, not his shriveled testicles tucked way up under his prodigious stomach. See, there’s the metaphor.
How you say? Well, that’s the easy part. You see, you simply put your hand in your pocket and then you have easy access to your…oh, wait, you’re asking about the “manipulation” of the gas prices. Sorry, you’re confusing me. I kind of thought the pocket pool one was rather obvious and didn’t need explaining as long as you are not an idiot or over 70 and use some other term for “pocket pool” like “23 skeedoo”. Good to know. If you are, I’ll save you the trouble of Googling “pocket pool” and finding that unfortunately named PlayStation game. Pocket pool = masturbation. Got it?
OK, so gas prices, finally. How is he manipulating, eww, still gross using that word, gas prices? Well, that one is a little more difficult to explain. Allow me to simplify the issue by introducing the concept of…eggs.
No, I’m NOT being metaphorical again, get your mind out of the gutter God damn it. We’re leaving that gross ass metaphor behind, I’m talking about actual eggs now, you know, with a yolk and cytoplasm. That’s the white of the egg for those of you that got less than a C in Biology.
Now, I realize that the traditional wisdom concerning gas prices is that the collapse of the real estate bubble and corresponding home mortgage industry left investment bankers in a bind because they lost their “sure bet” and thus they went looking for their next sure bet, ending up on oil futures which consequently resulted in the current, otherwise inexplicable stratospheric swelling of gas prices. But, as obvious and true as that explanation might be, the corollary, that the price of oil is thus “the mother of all bubbles” that will surely burst in a gooey, sticky mess…well…not so fast.
One word, eggs. No, I am not talking about that stupid, hokey idea floating around out there that if we all bought only two eggs at a time rather than by the dozen that somehow egg prices would be reduced and thus gas prices would work the same way if we all just filled up half-a-tank at a time. News flash, regardless of how many you buy at a time, if you don’t reduce demand you might as well piss into the wind. Dumb. No, what I am talking about is something entirely different.
Suppose Al Gore invented a replacement for eggs, a substance that tasted like eggs, could be used like eggs, digested like eggs and had the same nutritional properties as eggs. This new substance is more expensive than eggs but because it does not involve the exploitation of animals, Al Gore, PETA and the animal rights lobby convince enough US Senators and Congressmen to provide subsidies to Al Gore’s companies and the resulting industry around “Chemical Replacements for Edible, Ingested via Throat Substances”, or CREDITS, as they come to be known. Now, these “Egg CREDITS” slowly start to gain in popularity and soon corporations are being demonized by animal rights activists if they are not serving Egg CREDITS in their cafeterias. Suddenly, it is good corporate business and policy to start using Egg CREDITS and other types of animal friendly CREDITS. Almost overnight, nearly all businesses enact a “No Harm” policy towards animals. This culture finds its way into people’s personal choices as well and everyone is encouraged to “Go Blue”, the color of non-oxygenated blood in the veins to symbolize not spilling the blood of animals.
So, what would the effect of this be upon OPEC, the Ovum Producing and Exporting Corporations cartel in Al Gore’s fictitious egg CREDITS world that controls roughly 50-80% of all egg production and exporting? The corporations of this cartel have invested hundreds of millions or billions of dollars in massive steel structures to house millions of chickens for laying eggs and many more millions and billions in the chickens themselves and the resources required to coax eggs from their buttocks.
These corporations might take a look at the current market and realize that they have perhaps 10 years before the largest egg consuming nations achieve “egg independence”. Now, those same corporations were betting on having at least 30 years of solid profits from these massive egg farms. So, they are faced with the very real prospect of being saddled with huge metal structures that are of no value and will thus go derelict, creating a potential environmental issue that will require millions of dollars to clean up; not to mention the millions of chickens and billions of gallons of chicken crap.
As a final straw, even the smaller egg farms that operate outside of the direct control of the egg cartel and normally keep egg prices low by flooding the market with eggs every time the cartel tries to raise the prices too high also realize that their way of life and “easy” money is coming to an end and they too will be stuck with their suddenly unwise investment in egg production technology.
Faced with such a scenario, it would be insane for the corporations involved to not immediately begin raising their prices by any and all means possible. The laws of supply and demand would not necessarily apply in such a circumstance because the corporations are facing obsolescence of their business model and thus would begin attempting to raise prices artificially in order to recoup their investments and cover any environmental cleanup issues. To put this in The Dukes of Hazzard terminology, those “Dukes” had better “Get while the gettin’s good”.
So, if you want to lay blame at anyone’s doorstep for the high gas prices you are paying at the pump, it is idiotic to blame the oil and gas companies, gas stations or current administration. The real culprit here is Al Gore and the environmental movement and the near hysteria they have purposefully created regarding Global Warming. Remember, Al Gore is a multi-millionaire that flies around in his own personal jet, consumes more electricity in his multiple mansions each day than most people do in a year and profits heavily from his investment in “green” companies that sell carbon credits. He has set himself up as the prophet of his new “scientific like” religion and thus profits so heavily from this enterprise that he can afford the gas prices that are driving everyone else into the poor house and recession.
The last guy that was this successful at establishing and profiting from a new religion based upon pseudo-science was L. Ron Hubbard and at least in his case he only exploited the gullible, versus screwing over everyone, the entire country and world economy. Thanks a million Al Gore. Jackass.
Originally published May 2008