OK, I have to confess, last night I watched the “Earth to America!” special held in Las Vegas. I know, I know, but I couldn’t help myself. It’s like a bug light to a mosquito. Irresistible…even when you know it’s ultimately bad for you. zzzzZAP!!
But, thanks to the wonderful technology of digital video recorders, a.k.a. Tivo, I didn’t actually have to sit through the whole stinkin’ thing, and I DO mean P friggidity U!! Basically, I gave people 30 seconds to say something funny and then skipped through them and the commercials. And I just completely skipped right past that insufferable Leonardo DiCapprio…snore. It’s not like he has any HOPE of saying anything clever or funny…or even mildly interesting or intelligent.
All I can say is thank goodness for Steve Martin and his banjo playing with Eric Idol and Tom Hanks as backup, otherwise it would have been a complete and utter waste of 2 hours of television. But Tom, what is up with your hair? Dude. You are completing your devolution as an actor. You used to make good, classic, high-brow entertainment movies like Bachelor Party, Big and Turner and Hooch. Then, you regressed to failed Apollo missions and falling in love with volleyballs. Now, you look like you are turning into a freaky hippy activist with a bad haircut and poor shave. Pull yourself together man! Ray Romano wasn’t bad either. And Ben Stiller was OK. Cripe! When did Ben Stiller go grey? I hope it is not because he is worried about Global Warming! Mr. Stiller, save your hair color by buying some Grecian Formula and reading the rest of this article.
So, in actuality, the only truly funny part about the entire show was Steve Martin’s and Eric Idol’s inside joke on the Hollywood elite and clueless audience. Oh and maybe Wanda Sikes’ grandmother “tickle your balls” joke. And when Wanda Sike’s is part of your laugh highlight reel, there’s major trouble folks. Not sure if Tom was in on the joke, I couldn’t get past the hair. Hell, I’m not even sure that there was an inside joke, but I’m pretty certain. First, Mr. Martin and Mr. Idol are simply too intelligent to really get suckered into this whole Global Warming idiocy. Again, I would have put Mr. Hanks into this category as well, but I am questioning his intelligence now after the hair… Second, Mr. Martin has a long history of poking good-natured fun at the Hollywood establishment. Third, the general tone of the skit tended to demonstrate a complete lack of taking the topic and even the show seriously. But the kicker, or “topper”, was Eric Idol’s song. Something tells me that the “bugger all” lack of intelligent life on Earth comment was directed squarely at the show’s producers and the audience. And to top it all off, during his intro, they pretty much deservingly insulted the completely unfunny nobody Larry David who set the whole show up.
So, first things first, let’s get one thing straight. Human beings have no more influence or control over Global Warming than we have over plate tectonics or the tides or the sun rising and setting. To believe otherwise is completely irrational and unadulterated hubris. Not to mention requiring the reasoning capacity of a small, furry rodent. No big surprise then that squirreled-brained morons like Mr. DiCapprio are on board. You see, the warmness or coolness of planet Earth is not controlled by humans, it is controlled by grand processes and cycles beyond the scope of most people, especially Hollywood types, to even comprehend in any meaningful way.
Think about it, the Earth, during its 4.6 BILLION year history, has been up to 60% warmer than it is right now and has also been in the midst of ice ages. There is even reasonable scientific evidence that indicates that the Earth may have once been a giant “snowball”. All of this warming and cooling occurred without any contribution by humans BECAUSE WE DIDN’T EXIST YET YOU PRETENTIOUS, SELF-IMPORTANT, IGNORANT BASTARDS.
In fact, let’s HOPE that the Earth is warming and continues to warm at least a little because we just came out of an ice age that started over 2 million years ago and just ended about 10,000 years ago. For all you Hollywood actors who never finished high school, that’s 2 MILLION years of ice age compared to only 10,000 years of non-ice age. 10,000 years, that’s barely even a blip of a blip in geologic time. I live in central Ohio and if we go back to another ice age, my house is going to be under a couple miles of ice. I’d much rather lose the coastal areas to some slightly higher ocean levels, but that’s just me.
The basic problem is that human beings are short lived as individuals as well as a species. People only live about 75-100 years at most and the human species has only existed for about 30,000 years. Recorded history is much, much shorter than that, try about 5,000 years. Modern, scientific climate measuring is only about 30 years old. Incidentally, since modern climate record keeping has been kept, while SURFACE temperatures of increased slightly, satellite and weather balloon measurements show no increase in temperature. Even more telling, the same environmental wackos that are now bringing you global warming are the same ones that advocated “global cooling” back in the seventies and “acid rain” and “the population bomb” and an endless litany of other ignorant claims and hoaxes that have ALL turned out to be overblown or just flat out WRONG.
The Earth, solar system, galaxy and universe just do not really care about us puny ass little humans and our pathetically weak and doomed attempts to exert control and domination over the Earth. They simply do not really operate on that small of a scale. Hell, Danny Hillis’ “Clock of the Long Now”; which is designed to keep perfect time for 10,000 years and is perhaps the longest unit of time humans have thought in terms since the Mayans, is still like half-a-millionth of a second in Earth geologic time. Most people don’t think beyond next week, let alone 10,000 or 4 billion YEARS.
The things that affect the Earth’s temperature are things like plate tectonics, or, as Eric Idol pointed out, the fact that our solar system orbits the milky way’s galactic core once every 200 million years or so. Many warming and cooling cycles and their reasons are well known in the scientific world and they have nothing to do with humans. There are 11 and 206 year cycles of solar sunspots. There are also the “Milankovitch cycles” which are things like the 21,000 year cycle of the precession of the equinoxes – the Earth’s axial orientation, the 41,000 year axial tilt cycle and the 100,000 year “cycle of eccentricity”, cycle. The Earth is 4.6 BILLION years old people, the universe, over 14 BILLION. Humans have been alive .0006% of the entire HISTORY of the planet, .0002% of the entire HISTORY of the UNIVERSE. I THINK that maybe, just maybe, the Earth and the Universe MIGHT be able to take care of themselves. Just sayin’.
All of these things are well known and yet we point to a scant 30 years of collected data and claim catastrophe? Idiotic. I…di…otic!! But, is this to say that we shouldn’t care about conservation and the Earth? Absolutely not. But to couch it in terms of “global warming” disaster and catastrophe is intellectually dishonest and morally reprehensible. If these Hollywood types REALLY cared about the Earth, they would actually DO something about it. And, being the nice guy that I am, I am going to tell them how they truly CAN save the Earth and all its inhabitants from excessive energy consumption, which they believe leads to global warming. Are you ready? Here it comes.
First, stop making movies. Second, stop making unfunny, intellectually dishonest, hair-brained specials such as “Earth to America!” or academy awards shows with god awful, and I DO mean GOD AWWWFULLL opening skits and dance numbers. Think about it. Think of all the energy that is consumed in making movies. All the driving for the actors and stage hands and directors from their homes to the set and then back again. Also, there is all of the energy consumed making props and sets for things that are NEVER used again. What a complete and utter WASTE of energy!! And what about all the energy in actually SHOWING the movies, the electricity that is consumed by the movie theatres as well as all of the moviegoers driving from their homes to the movies and then back again? There is also all of the energy consumed by the popcorn poppers and the making of candy for the movie theatres, not to mention the manufacturing of DVD’s, DVD players, TV’s and home entertainment systems in addition to all of the energy consumed by these devices.
All of that energy consumption is COMPLETELY superfluous. It doesn’t actually accomplish ANYTHING and the world could go on perfectly fine WITHOUT it. Thus, more than any person driving an SUV to work or the manufacture of USEFUL products, making movies is the ULTIMATE WASTE OF ENERGY. Think about how much less energy would be consumed and how much better the world would be if instead of everyone spending their time making and consuming movies, everyone spent time doing something good for the Earth. Not to mention the fact that none of you intellectually worthless pieces of human flesh would be living in two or three million homes or driving 20 different cars or wearing $5,000 suits and dresses or throwing lavish birthday parties. Think of the energy conservation!! Even better, the rest of America wouldn’t have to be pelted by your images in the movies, MTV and in magazines and think that THEY need to own all of those things and consume all that energy just to be happy.
So, Hollywood, ultimately, I applaud you. Keep on talking about global warming and how despicable frivolous energy consumption is. Eventually, the people will come around to your way of thinking and start to eliminate all non-essential expenditures of energy. First up, canning all of your sorry, non-essential, frivolous energy consuming asses. Keep on talkin’ and keep on keep on talkin’ yourselves out of a job.
Originally published November 2005