Alright, enough is enough. Of all the articles I have written; of all the material that might potentially offend such vocal special interests as homosexuals, blacks, environmentalists and Bryant Gumball fan…oh yes, make no mistake about the absolute fanaticism of Bryant Gumball fans. Out of all that material and out of all those vociferous groups, guess which group has emerged as THE most vociferous, militant, anal and humorless. Go ahead, take a wild guess. Well, if you read the title of this article, you probably figured it out already. That’s right, I am now firmly convinced that by FAR the most vociferous, militant, anal and humorless individuals in the entire world are, in fact, vegetarians. I know, I know, I know what you’re thinking. “You mean the people who are too spineless and narrow urethra’d to stuff a burger down their neck or ravish a, >GASP!<, BLT?“ Yes, dear reader, the very same.
That’s right, in email, after email, after email I find that I can achieve natural male enhancement through the use of a pill. And in between those, email, after email after bile strewn email about my article “Why Vegetarians are Stupid“. >sigh< I mean, are you kidding me? What is wrong with you people? Can you actually take an article with such a title so seriously?!? So anyway, you deserve what is coming to you in this article. There, I feel justified.
The arguments seem to fall mainly along three lines of thought. First, there is the most reasonable claim; that today’s vegetarian fare is not the same as Australopithecus’ vegetarian fare and thus the effect of a modern vegetarian diet that includes tofu and vitamin supplements would not lead to the evolution of a large gut and a devolution of brain capacity. OK, fair enough, but tofu? Ugh! Talk about taking all the joy out of being omnivorous. Replacing a charred on the outside, juicy on the inside; tang in the back of your molars, steak with a white, slimy cube of tofu is like replacing procreation via sex with test tube babies. You may get the same result, but the joy is in the journey my friend. The joy is the journey. And, yes, to be absolutely clear, I have tasted the highly vaunted tofu burger. And no, it does not even compare to sex.
The second line of contrary thinking is that a vegetarian diet is healthier than a carnivorous diet. Honestly, I’m not really going to get into that one. Obviously, a diet of french-fries and lettuce, while vegetarian, is hardly healthy. You can’t just make blanket statements like that. Humans are quite obviously designed to be omnivorous so there is a pretty good argument to be made that we ought to consume a diet in harmony with our general construction.
You can make your own judgments about the merits of those two arguments. There is good science in support of a change in diet having a huge impact on the intellect of hominids. Also, there is nothing intrinsically healthier about a vegetarian diet. But those two arguments are really just the bearded lady and lobster boy in the circus that is vegetarian outrage. The star of the show, the trapeze act if you will, is this one. “Why do omnivores feel it necessary to call vegetarians names and defend eating meat? They must really feel insecure or guilty. Omnivores are mean and stupid. Waa!“
Here at last we get to the heart of the vegetarian versus omnivore controversy, which is where most of the vitriol emanates. And thus, like a pack of clowns racing to center stage in a mini fire truck, enter…the vegans. But not just any vegans. Oh no. We are talking about the militaristic, PETA brand of vegans. You see, this is where it all started to go south between vegetarians and omnivores. Before these yahoos got involved, it was nobody’s business but your own if your diet was vegetarian or omnivorous. But, these clowns decided to make it their business because eating meat meant that you were not treating animals “ethically” and thus you had to be condemned. The backlash was inevitable and non-PETA vegans and your average run-of-the-mill vegetarians got sucked into the fray and were eventually broadly classified with the fringe militaristic, PETA vegans. And if you can’t follow the parallels between this and politics, then you must be a vegetarian.
So, it is not that omnivores suddenly felt it necessary to bash vegetarians, it was that omnivores felt threatened by a group of individuals trying to take away their freedoms and dictate their diet. When a group of people tries to infringe upon the rights of another group of people, it tends to get ugly. Thus, true vegetarians are technically simply caught in the middle of a militaristic, PETA vegan jihad against omnivores, who would simply rather shoot first and determine your true vegetarian/vegan/militaristic vegan status later. Trust me, omnivores just want to be left alone to grill, fry and broil their animal flesh. But, it is religion for the PETA vegans.
The argument for the militaristic, PETA vegan is that they do not eat meat because eating animals or animal products is evil since animals are alive and can feel pain and thus it is not right to kill or exploit them. The term slippery slope was invented for just this kind of flawed, unreasonable thinking. Let’s take this argument to its logical conclusion, cheetahs in prison. I know, what? Let me explain. Wildebeests are alive, killing a wildebeest is murder according to the PETA vegan perspective, cheetahs kill wildebeests, cheetahs get charged with murder, cheetahs get convicted because the forensic evidence of the holes in the wildebeest matches said cheetah’s fangs, cheetahs go to jail. Cheetahs in prison. “But, but, but it’s not the same thing,“ you say? “Cheetahs are part of the natural world and people are not,“ you say? Oh really. Well I thought that Homo sapiens are simply bipedal apes belonging to family Hominidae (the great apes). If we evolved from apes and are as natural as the universe, the Earth and all other plants and animals, then there is zero difference between us killing and eating a wildebeest for dinner and a cheetah killing and eating a wildebeest for dinner. Zero, zilch, nada. Thus, if we make killing and exploiting animals a crime or otherwise look down upon it because it is “cruel” and “unjust”; then it is just as unjust for any other animal. If we apply some human principles and laws to certain aspects of the animal kingdom, then we have to apply ALL principles and laws to ALL aspects of the animal kingdom. Otherwise, you are a hypocrite.
But the best part, the absolute best part and BY FAR the most hysterical part is that those same militaristic, PETA vegans ALSO view vegetarians as completely and utterly stupid; even more stupid than omnivores and even more stupid than how omnivores view vegetarians. Here’s why. To the PETA vegan, vegetarians are hypocrites that are too stupid to understand their own hypocrisy. Vegetarians advocate not eating meat, but cheat and still consume animal products like eggs, milk, cheese and sometimes actual meat like fish and chicken. To the militaristic, PETA vegan, you would have to be an idiot not to understand your own hypocrisy. So, vegetarians, it is not just omnivores that find you stupid, it is your own brethren as well. And if you don’t believe me, just do a little web browsing or actual research and you will come across vegans bashing vegetarians as stupid and idiotic for this EXACT reason.
Look, I realize that it must suck being grouped in with a bunch of people that would save an animal from drowning over their own baby. Kid Rock knows who I am talking about; the crazy, nut job people that have forgotten that the animal kingdom includes Homo sapiens. But face facts here people; that is the group of individuals who started this whole nonsense of feuding between omnivores and vegetarians and perhaps you vegetarians ought to take a closer look at who you have on your side. It’s not like there is a carnivore-only fringe group on the omnivore side trying to take away your right to slice up vegetables and fruit.
The problem is that vegetarians have yet to take an actual stand. Vegetarians are automatically thrown in with the militaristic, PETA vegans because they fall on the primarily vegetable side of the vegetable/meat divide. Since vegetarians have not actively condemned the militaristic, PETA vegan point of view, it is their own fault that they are treated as the worst of their lot. And that is why vegetarians are really stupid, because they whine and complain instead of doing what is obvious to fix the issue.