Pressure Cooker Conundrum

Out of the Frying Pan and into the Pressure Cooker

We got him.  Suspect #2 in the Boston Marathon bombing has been apprehended and truly that is something to celebrate.  However, we must not let our exuberance distract us from what is truly important, passing knee-jerk legislation that will prevent these kinds of attacks in the future.  Everyone knows that the vast majority of the best, most truly effective, laws on the books were passed in a knee-jerk reaction to some random event.  Now, to be fair, I really have no examples or evidence of this but, deep down, I feel that to be a true statement.  So, as long as I write it down or keep uttering it, other people will believe it too.

In the case of the Boston Marathon bombing, the true villains are easy to identify.  Yes, the brothers are obvious culprits, but surely we must not rush to judgment regarding their motivations.  Yes, their heritage is from Chechnya, a region whose primary religion is Islam (Sunni) and has witnessed two decades of Islamic terrorism against Russia.  Yes, they used improvised explosive devices (IEDs), which has been the weapon of choice for Islamic terrorists.  But surely, that is absolutely no reason to jump to any kind of conclusion about their motivations or, heaven forbid, classify them as Islamic terrorists.  Besides, the two brothers were obviously just pawns and while they are locked up, the true villain of the Boston Marathon bombing walks free.

The true villain of the Boston Marathon bombing is really the NRA, the National Restaurant Association.  If it were not for this despicable organization, pressure cookers; the crucial housing component of the IEDs used by the Boston Marathon bombers, would have long since been banned or had severe restrictions placed upon their sale and use.

It is safe to say that, given the dangers of pressure cookers, that all reasonable people can agree that pressure cookers need to be banned or severely restricted.  And people that do not agree with that are simply fanatics and “fringe” groups, like the National Restaurant Association.  Let’s face it, pressure cookers really have no real purpose other than serving as housings for IEDs.  Some may argue that they are used for “sporting” or “hobby” purposes, such as cooking, but that is really just a ruse.  There are plenty of other ways to cook things without using pressure cookers.  Let’s do the list:

  1. Roasting
  2. Barbecuing
  3. Grilling
  4. Broiling
  5. Rotisserie
  6. Searing
  7. Baking
  8. Boiling
  9. Blanching
  10. Braising
  11. Coddling
  12. Double steaming
  13. Infusion
  14. Poaching
  15. Simmering
  16. Smothering
  17. Steaming
  18. Steeping
  19. Stewing
  20. Vacuum flask cooking
  21. Frying
  22. Deep frying
  23. Hot salt frying
  24. Hot sand frying
  25. Pan frying
  26. Sauteing
  27. Stir frying
  28. Smoking

So, almost 30 different methods of cooking something other than pressure cooking.  Can the National Restaurant Association and other pro-pressure cooking zealots really claim that their lives will be irreparably harmed by rational and reasonable restrictions put upon pressure cookers?  And do those infinitesimal impacts even remotely compare to the greater good that will be served by banning pressure cookers?

But, since we live in a democracy and with such powerful lobbying groups as the National Restaurant Association and Senators and Congressmen that will “cave to the pressure and start looking for an excuse, any excuse, to vote no” against an outright ban on pressure cookers, allow The Objective Observer to propose some more measured controls and restrictions.

First up is a ban on the sale of cheap aluminum pressure cookers, the so called “Saturday night special” pressure cookers.  These inexpensive pressure cookers make it far less expensive to obtain a pressure cooker suitable for use as an IED and no self-respecting chef would use one of these anyway due to the propensity of aluminum pressure cookers to leach aluminum into the food being cooked.  Obviously, these Saturday night special pressure cookers serve no other purpose than to make it easier for criminals to obtain a lethal weapon.

Next, we must certainly ban high pressure, pressure cookers or “assault” pressure cookers.  These pressure cookers have pressure ratings of 15 psi.  Low pressure, pressure cookers have a mere 10 psi rating.  Thus, high pressure, pressure cookers are 50% more lethal than low pressure, pressure cookers because the higher pressure allows IEDs to be more destructive and inflict more damage when they explode.  Obviously, these assault pressure cookers have no other purpose than to kill innocent people.

Third, we must ban high capacity pressure cookers, those pressure cookers with a capacity of more than 7 quarts.  Higher capacity pressure cookers are more lethal because more explosives can be packed into them.  This allows criminals to use a single IED where they would otherwise need 2 even 3 lower capacity pressure cookers.

Finally, we should obviously pass legislation that requires universal background checks on the sale of any pressure cooker.  Passing such legislation is eminently reasonable and rational.  “The fact is most people could not offer any good reason why we wouldn’t want to make it harder for criminals and those with severe mental illness to buy a pressure cooker.  There are no coherent arguments as to why we wouldn’t do this.”

In conclusion, it would be a “pretty shameful day for Washington” if the Senate and Congress would reject these kinds of proposals to restrict and regulate the control of devices that are ostensibly designed solely to maim and injure people.  Please join with The Objective Observer in pressuring Washington to stand up to the powerful and villainous NRA (National Restaurant Association) lobby and do what is right by the American public.

Originally Published April 2013

Author: theobjectiveobserverblog

Always go with funny...

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