A Rose By Any Other Name

With Apologies to William Shakespeare

We here at The Objective Observer tend to criticize rather than laud. Hey, we’re just like that. However, we must recognize the bold and important work that the Biden Administration is doing to effectively combat the pandemic in America and abroad. In a flurry of penmanship, President Biden took obvious steps to ramp up the government’s response to the virus by signing executive orders designed to:

  • Rejoin the Paris Climate Agreement
  • Increase illegal immigration while simultaneously cutting thousands of construction jobs
  • Affirm that all white people are racists and make sure everyone is “re-educated” to know this is so
  • Increase oil prices and make America less energy independent while simultaneously cutting thousands of jobs in the energy sector
  • Increase the risk of terrorist attacks
  • Institutionalize Affirmative Action
  • Support and expand sanctuary cities
  • Increase federal overreach and death grip on control over public lands
  • Amnesty for illegal immigrants
  • Increase regulation
  • Have Susan Rice go on some kind of racial injustice witch hunt?
  • Give illegal immigrants the same rights as citizens
  • Something, something about gender identity or sexual orientation
  • Some kind of “loyalty” oath?

There are more, but we think you get the idea. Obviously, all of these executive orders are critically important policies that demonstrate through action, not just words, how serious the Biden Administration is about ending the global pandemic. President Biden must be commended for taking the high road and focusing on addressing the pandemic while avoiding even the perception of pettiness that might result if President Biden instead chose to focus on attempting to erase any and all vestiges of President Trump’s legacy.

However, being objective about all things, we must at the same time find fault in the cornerstone of the Biden administration’s “comprehensive” immigration reform package, another obvious attempt to combat the global pandemic. In a crucial move to thwart the pandemic, the Biden Administration sees the cornerstone of their immigration policy as replacing the word “alien” with the word “noncitizen”.

You see, the use of the word alien in immigration has long been described as “dehumanizing” by those with absolutely zero clue regarding the etymology of the word. Hint, the term goes back to the 1300’s and means “belonging to someone else” or later “stranger” or “foreigner”. Leave it to those ignorant of language science to take a science fiction term coined over 600 years later in 1953 to describe a being from somewhere else other than Earth, a “stranger” to Earth, an extraterrestrial, and use it as the sole meaning of a word. A truly, truly epic display of ignorance and revisionist history.

But the real problem here is twofold. First, the word noncitizen is also entirely too negative and dehumanizing. “Non” is an expression of negation. And citizens are people. So, is the Biden administration negating immigrants as people? What could be more dehumanizing that that?!?

Second, replacing one word with another word is just downright foolish, idiotic, moronic and a complete and utter waste of time. You just can’t do things like that because, you know, synonyms. In replacing one word for another you really haven’t changed anything at all. Even children know this.

The obvious answer then is that you need to replace that one world with two words. Obviously. That way you can be much more positive, far less dehumanizing and, you know, actually have accomplished something. Always looking to help, we here at The Objective Observer officially propose one of the following as the replacement for the word “alien”:

  • citizen candidate
  • potential citizen
  • future Democrat

OK, OK, that last one could also be considered “dehumanizing”, we admit.

Anyway, let’s wrap this up in the immortal words of William Shakespeare:

“Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Citizen.
What’s Citizen? …O, be some other name!
What’s a name? that which we call alien
By Other Names would be as illegal;
Noncitizen would, were not Noncitizen call’d”

Hey…at least we didn’t screw up the iambic pentameter…