Truth in Advertising

First World Problems

Taking a day off from politics, because, let’s face it, we all need a break; we found ourselves asking, what exactly is it with all the mad hate for Subway? It wasn’t that long ago that Subway was sued over their “footlong” sandwiches not being exactly 12″ long. So what if Fred DeLuca and Peter Buck happen to be like every other male in the known universe and regularly exaggerate measures of length? Big deal! Can that really be called criminal? This time around, it is the tuna; or supposed lack thereof, that has become the next first world problem.

Look, it’s not like we are Subway apologists here at The Objective Observer. Sure, Subway makes decently priced, relatively healthy food but then again, they did end up employing a child rapist and child porn dealer. And let’s be honest, the guy was like 425 pounds and living in his parents basement…they knew. You provide that description to any rational, objective individual and it’s immediately apparent that dude is a creepy, deeply disturbed child porn sex trafficker. Make no mistake, they knew. Everyone knew.

Besides, if you are going to go after Subway for anything, it has to be for the “Italian” bread. That shit is straight-up white bread, plain and simple. There’s no Italian about it. It isn’t made in Italy, they don’t use a stone oven or baking stone to cook it and we’ve never, not once, seen anyone basting the top and sides with water when cooking. So, if you are going to sue Subway for false advertising, it has to be for the “Italian” bread, that’s all we’re saying.

Except that we’re also saying some other things. Like why is Subway being singled out like this all the time? What about all of the other bullshit advertising that goes on? Like Kraft. Kraft advertises their cheese via the tagline “It’s the easiest because it’s the cheesiest.” WTF? How in the world does being “cheesy” translate into being “easy” to use? That doesn’t make any God damn logical sense at all. Besides how exactly is it the “cheesiest”. You are telling us that it is “cheesier” than, oh, say a solid block of Colby? That’s total bullshit! If two things are 100% cheese, then one is not “cheesier” than the other. They are both just equally “cheesy”. So Kraft, calling your cheese the “cheesiest” is just an outright freaking fabrication and lie unless Kraft cheese is somehow incomprehensibly comprised of 101% cheese! What if we purchased Kraft cheese specifically because we want more cheese in our diets and need something that is easier to use than other cheese? And then neither turns out to be true. Because it’s still just cheese, you know, with all of the massive headaches that using cheese entails…

And, not that you can find them, but what about Grape-Nuts? This one really pisses us off. There aren’t any grapes or nuts in that shit. Not a single grape or nut, just these hard, brittle little gross tasting things that you swear are going to crack your teeth wide open and make it sound like you are chewing on sand paper. What the hell? Now, of course, we; like everyone else on the planet, understand that FDA regulations specifically make exclusions for “fanciful names” and that Grape-Nuts gets its name because it contains maltose, the sugar found in grapes, and supposedly has a “nutty” flavor. Everyone knows that. But still. That’s pretty thin Dr. Kellogg. Real thin. Sure, it’s not like you are claiming something truly ridiculous like Rice Krispies can help your immune system or eating Mini-Wheats makes you smarter. Oh shit, Kellogg’s really did claim those things? Wow. You guys…you guys are dumb. Well, anyway, what we are saying is that when you purchase something called Grape-Nuts and it turns out to not have any grapes or nuts in it that really pisses people right the hell off.

What about all of those penis enlargement pill advertisements? Sure, Extenze got sued over them but those ads are still out there. Never mind exactly how we know that…but, just trust us on this one, they’re still out there and they are still just as fake. Well, you know, we assume that they are fake. It’s not like we have tried every single one of them or anything…

Moving on, none of this even mentions Budweiser’s “King of Beers” slogan, not that they are pushing that complete and utter nonsense at the Super Bowl this year. Exactly what beer died and made Budweiser king? Did we miss the coronation? King of armpit sweat or dirty bong water maybe but Budweiser sure as hell isn’t subjugating other beers under its divine rule of tastiness that’s for damn sure. And while we are on the subject, Miller’s High Life, the “Champagne of Beers”? That shit is barely beer, let alone Champagne. It isn’t even made in France for crying out loud.

We could go on but we suppose that you may be asking yourself, with all of the fake news out there and the Corona virus and the rioting and mayhem in Washington D.C., why the hell is The Objective Observer suddenly so concerned about truth in advertising? Well, Mr. Smarty Pants, we’ll tell you why. Oh yes, we’ll tell you. It’s just that…it’s just that, we still can’t get this God-damn cheese to work! And, well, we were…we were really looking forward to those grapes and nuts.